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Today's Featured Biography
Damian Wardell
Well since graduating from "The Academy", life has not been so easy for me and let's just say I've had a bump or two. I've had over 6 surgeries to try to correct my uneven ears; suffered from some explosive foot funguses that have required at least $400 of foot spray on all 3 occasions, and I lost my lawsuit over the patent of the "Ultimate Shuttlecock" to those greedy bastards at Yonex.
Yet I have overcome these setbacks and now have a successful career, a wonderful trio of amazing dogs [1 Pom (Tiger); 1 Lhasa Apso (Lioness) & 1 Ausiedoodle (Thunder from Down Under)], 4 beautiful cats (Lone Ranger, Snuggle, Mr. Snoozy & Bandit), over 300 superhero figurines, nearly every Menudo record, and a wife.
As I mentioned before, I have stumbled on to quite a career that has brought me all sorts of notoriety at Colorado's Department of Transportation and beyond. I am "officially" a Safety Sign Holder but I think most would call it the Stop Sign/Slow Sign holder. I have become quite known because of my professional mantras.
Law 1.) Always show up punctually at the construction zone with your safety hat already on your head.
Law 2.) Always wear a comfortable pair of oxfords so you can stand at your post for long periods of time.
Law 3.) Always flip the sign to the Stop or Slow position COMPLETELY - this is the hard one - so to make sure the motorists know the score.
Law 4.) Never, ever, ever, ever return the insults that the motorists will hurl at you on a regular basis no matter how mean spirited.
Law 5.) When necessary, give the "Slow Down" wave to a reckless motorist who is going too fast in the construction zone with a stern look on your face so they know you are serious.
I have found that by following these laws you can become very successful in the traffic safety field. Not only do I have a sterling reputation by I have also developed a revolutionary, single, wrist-flip turning style that catapults the sign from Slow to Stop with meteoric speed and mathematical precision. Please note, that as of this moment my patent application is pending so wish me luck. The only down side to this technique (I named it the "Damian Super Flip") is that it has given me a terrible case of carpel tunnel and as such I have been on disability since 2004.
But I have soldiered on. Because of my painful wrists I have poured myself into other activities. Some, and I repeat, SOME of them include:
->The Angela Lansbury Fan Club President - Denver Chapter
->Knitter of over 100+ attractive sweaters and cardigans - my closet is a mess!
->Fluent speaker of Binary - 101100101110101010 - Ha!
->Read every, and I mean every, book by Mary Higgins Clark
->Regularly exercise with a regime of race walking, AbBuster and tantric breathing exercises
In addition to all of my interests, I continue to try to find a backer to my completed Off-Off-Broadway plays that I intend to produce: Blood on the Clarinet: A Band Camp Murder mystery; The Erotic adventures of Lou Diamond Phillips; and Fun in the Sun with my Ausiedoodle. Although I have not received the interest I would like from the "Broadwayista", I will persist - don't you worry.
I think I will close with one last fact. I am now an aggressively practicing Vegan and will eat no food that could once walk, fly, swim or make noise. Meat is murder everyone! Think of the poor baby chicks the next time you go to KFC. You can still hear their little, soft chirps. Tofu is an amazing food substance and can be substituted for all animals in every dish. You want to have a great tailgate at your next soccer or tennis match - try Tofu burgers with just a touch of rosemary.
Until we see each other again - be good to yourself and good to all the animals of the world.
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