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Today's Featured Biography

 
Christopher Sheely

Like many of us I made my way to NC State after high school. After four years (1992) I grabbed my Computer Engineering degree and high-tailed it up to the Philadelphia area (with a brief appearance in Bridgewater, NJ) for my first job with Honeywell. Life there was tough; the locals spoke in a way to which I was unaccustomed: straightforward, up-front, and unapologetic, without the nuance and insincere niceties I'd learned as a Southerner. But over time I learned to communicate with them and indeed embrace many of their traditions and customs.

After 8 years and numerous incarcerations for prostitution and possession, I skipped town and hitched a ride back to Raleigh (2000). I worried I might forget the communication techniques I'd learned while up north, but of course we're talking about Raleigh here. There's only like three actual Southerners left in the area.

While panhandling in Research Triangle Park I caught the eye of someone at Ericsson, and they hired me as Employee Greeter. I'd stand out at the parking lot entrance and wave at the employees driving in to work. A few of them even pretended to try and hit me...every morning...sometimes twice. Those jokers!

At nights, unbeknownst to the higher-ups, I snuck in and wrote software for some of the cell phones they were developing. For three years, no one seemed to notice. But that finally changed in 2003 when the corporate bigwigs (of the company now called Sony Ericsson) swept in and laid off my entire division.

Depressed and looking for a new direction, I changed my name to "Chris Howard" and tried to get on daytime talk shows as the love child of Ron Howard and Grace Lee Whitney (she played Yeoman Rand on the original Star Trek series). See, my story was that Ron and Grace met while Ron was visiting his younger brother Clint who guest-starred on Star Trek. Ron and Grace hit it off, and BAM, they had me. Seems credible, right? Amazingly no one believed me (or cared). Mr. Howard's cease-and-desist order was upheld on appeal, so I changed my name back.

After that humiliation, I skipped town again and landed in Lexington, SC, where I remain to this day. The "Will Code For Food" sign I used to find employment was effective, and I've been gainfully employed for almost 5 years at a small local company.

Through it all, I've remained single, thin, and overly neat.

I'm not sure I'll be able to come to the reunion. I've been told I'm not "normal". I'm not a "people person". I lack "style". I don’t "bathe often" or "use Kleenex". I can't "talk without air quotes".

Regardless, I do make sporadic attempts at contacting people and staying in touch. Feel free to send me an email if you are moved to do so. I'd love to hear from you!

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