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Today's Featured Biography

Lyle Wiemer

After graduating from Wayne, I moved to Cape Canaveral, Florida and became a stowaway on the STS-105 mission aboard the space-shuttle Discovery. After an awkward first couple days, I then worked for four years on the International Space Station, where I was awarded an honorary (although somehow non-accredited) degree in mechanical engineering. I became disillusioned with the space program after my supervisor rage-quit because he didn't get funding for the proposal we wrote together.

I then decided to work in the private sector, where I spent three years as the "computer guy" for a financial firm (still legally cannot say which one). I got fired after the company "Twitter'er" tried to stab me. We didn't get along well from the beginning, and then one day he fainted on the toilet because he saw blood in his stool. Everyday for lunch, he put ketchup on everything, so I told him that what he saw was also probably just ketchup and he thought I was making fun of him, but I was serious. I took my severance package and decided to go abroad, as no Western schools recognized my degree.

I was accepted to enroll at Podunk Bible University (yes, that's seriously what it's called) in Tyla (pronounced too-lah), Russia, in the department of Superscience and Supertechnology (again, seriously called that). I was supposed to be studying the bible difference between a dinosaur and a Dinosaur, but in my free time I instead accidentally learned how to code in PERL, which if you don't know anything about computers, coding in PERL is like fixing a car when your only tools are a shotgun and your bare, bloody hands(!).

After five years of fruitless searching for dinosaur fossils circa 6000 BCE, I took an exam for my masters, escaped Russia, and now earn a modest living writing for a content mill. In short, that means I write articles which usually appear on ask.com or wikiHow. Articles which usually everyone skips over and Google keeps trying to push to the bottom of their search results. Looking ahead, the elderly people who accidentally give me page hits will eventually all die off, but by then I hope to retire and return to Dayton, Ohio and pursue a life in politics. So vote for me if you ever see my name on the ballot! Happy to keep in touch with all of you!

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